Monday, July 22, 2013

Live and Learn

Why do we so many times not believe something until its too late?
Much as Princess Buttercup didn't know her kidnapper was her one true love until she pushed him down the hillside, I too will throw things by the wayside not realizing they are gold.

I mustn't let this happen. Ever again.

I tell myself time after time.

When and how will I learn? I blame my busy lifestyle. I blame all the interesting things I get myself into. All the shiny, pretty, exciting opportunities that present themselves. They also happen to be the golden ticket to losing a friend or potential suitor. The thing is, I wrap my interests and love up with material items and memories. And then thats how I often leave them... just as a memory. I keep waiting for the big one to sting me... and maybe it has. I just haven't seen the effects of it yet. The thing is, those memories and items will never stop loving me. They will never leave until I wish them away. They can't break my heart, and I can't break theirs.

But my most recent confrontation with reality and my loneliness and my selfish actions was yesterday. I liked this guy, but I never really told him because I never thought about how much I liked him. He was smarter than I, he told me a few times that he had strong feelings for me and that he wanted to start proving it. I never let him. I disappeared and found other things to consume my attention. I took it for granted. A month later when I rejoined our group, I found out he was seeing someone else. When I heard the news, after an hour of casually joking around and flirting as our usual friendly selves and I was left with another friend, I felt something I haven't experienced in a while. I felt broken, I felt sad, truly lonely and even sick to my stomach. I lost him.
I didn't know much and I wanted it to stay that way. All I needed to hear was that he was involved with someone. I was crushed. I had to remind myself why, it was my fault. I'm the one who ran away. I can't inflict this on myself again.

Now is my time, I have to be wiser and foresee the outcome of my actions. If I know what I want and the feelings are real, I have to act on them before... its too late.

Have you ever experienced regrets similar to mine?


1 comment:

  1. Awww...Mattie. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. I think we all experience regret in our decisions in one form or another. It is what we take from it when we realize our mistake. Do we acknowledge our mistake, learn from it, and allow ourselves to be more aware and open as a result? Or do we pretend it never happened and go on living as though we don't regret anything?
    Live and learn from it! I know you will!

    ~ Liz

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